Dear prospective buyer,

I know it’s a tough market out there so I’ve attached an FAQ sheet to this flyer. Feel free to follow up on any of these questions with my real estate agent.

                                                                        Sincerely,

                                                                        Homeowner

Q: Have you had any renovations done?

A: We’ve put in leathered granite countertops, which are more stain resistant. If you’re a parent, cleaning up spills is easy-breezy!

Q: How are the local schools?

A: Excellent. My son will be starting Kindergarten in August. I’m going to miss having my best buddy following me around all the time!

Q: How is the plumbing?

A: We’ve had the sewer line replaced and the water pressure is excellent. My little guy managed to get an entire Hogwarts lego replica and my grandmother’s ashes down the toilet last week.

Q: We’re sorry to hear about your grandmother. What does the phrase “mostly open concept” mean?

A: Like many open concept homes, specific rooms—such as the bathroom and bedroom—require walls and privacy.

Q: So “mostly open concept” refers to the bathrooms and bedrooms?

A: Mostly.

Q:Your neighbors told us that you had some kind of fallout shelter in this house? Is that true?

A: The Cold War ended in 1989. Why would I build a concrete and steel fallout shelter in my home in 2022?

Q: Your other neighbors told us that you built a concrete and steel panic room in your home after watching Academy Award winner Jodie Foster’s 2002 film, Panic Room. Is that true?

A: I have a concrete room with steel doors, a separate ventilation system, and stockpiled food. I use it for crafting.

Q: What you’ve just described sounds similar to a panic room. How old are the appliances?

A: We have all new appliances. There’s also an eight-screen surveillance system in my fortified and impenetrable concrete craft room.

Q: How many bedrooms does the house have?

A: Four, but this is super relative when you’re a parent. My son left kicked me in the face this morning and left chewed gum on my headboard which was a wedding gift from my grandma—may she rest in peace. There might even be gum in my hair right now, but I wouldn’t know. I haven’t taken a shower in five years.

Q: Sometimes children have issues with separation anxiety and this can be difficult for parents who are naturally more introverted. How safe is the neighborhood?

A: Yeah, my pediatrician told me the same thing and I was all, “You’re not living it, buddy. So what if I let my kid out of the house to get some exercise for eleven hours sometimes?”

Q: It seems like you built a concrete and steel panic room to get some quiet time.

A: That’s not really a question, but if you’re looking for a safe spot for tornado warnings, the craft room is completely secure. With steel doors, there are never any tornados sticking their sticky, grape-juice-covered fingers under the gap while you’re scrapbooking your Disney World trip.

Q: Tornadoes don’t have fingers, so please just be honest with us. Did you or did you not build a panic room to get some time away from your son during the summer months?

A: Why do people keep asking me this? My crafting room has nothing to do with whether my son has been out of school for 52 days.

Q: In the pictures your realtor included in the flyer, there were Legos in your craft room. It looks like your son may have figured out how to operate the steel doors.

A: Damn it.