A Monologue Composed in the Three-Minute Drive to my House after my Sister Gave my Child Pixie Sticks
Hey bud. Did you have fun with Aunt Katie?
Hang on. Take your AirPods out. Did you have fun with Aunt Katie?
Are those Aunt Katie’s AirPods?
And she just said you could borrow them indefinitely?
Alright, Aunt Katie. Good luck seeing those ag—wait, why is your tongue blue? Did she give you a popsicle? Aunt Katie’s cool, isn’t she? She let’s you eat whatever y--
No, I know the light is green now, but I want to make sure that I heard you correctly and didn’t just enter an alternate dimension in which it’s unsafe for me to drive. What did you just say?
Pixie sticks? You’re telling me that, this afternoon, after 3PM, your aunt gave you pixie sticks?
The stuff that Peter Pan poured onto the Darling children to make them fly? Your aunt let you ingest that?
You’re telling me that your grown adult aunt gave you what child beauty pageant moms give their kids to energize them before the talent portion of the pageant?
No, I’m not mad.
I mean, Aunt Katie’s going to jail because I’m pretty sure pixie sticks have been made illegal in thirty of these United States, but--
Aunt Katie’s not going to jail.
Mommy might be. Mommy might be if she sees Aunt Katie’s face in the next few---
No, I don’t have any juice. This is a three-minute car ride and we’re not drinking juice ever again.
Well, I’m sorry, honey, but you can thank Aunt Katie. She gave you your lifetime recommended quota for sugar this afternoon and now you’re going to be awake for four weeks.
No, love. This is coffee. You definitely can’t drink coffee either.
Because coffee stunts your growth.
No, this isn’t because of the pixie sticks. Coffee stunts your growth and that is the one and only reason I cannot share it with you today.
I know your pixie stick was too sweet—there is a direct correlation between pixie sticks and insulin resistance—but don’t you want to be a big boy?
We can have a glass of water when we get inside and then we can play a game called “Riding Mommy’s Stationary Bike for the next four hours” to see if we can’t burn off some of that extra ener—
Because coffee stunts your growth. Do you think think NBA players’ moms let them have coffee when they were your age? Here. Have some water.
No, you still can’t have a sip of my coffee after you finish your water. Your hands are shaking right now.
Because coffee stunts your growth and you look like Jesse Spano when she got addicted to caffeine pills on Saved by the Bell.
Saved by the Bellwas a television show from--wait. You know what. Time travel is probably a side effect of pixie sticks. You can probably go back in time and watch the episode yourself.
No, you can’t have coffee after you time travel because Mommy needs it for herself.
Because you’ve had pixie sticks and time is relative now, okay? Mommy needs the coffee for herself because it will stunt your growth and because Aunt Katie just gave you enough pixie sticks to ensure that your bed time has now been changed to “Age 26.”
Just finish your—wait, where is your other AirPod?
Written By: Mary-Ann Barfield